Dial S for Stalker
by PezberryFeelings
Summary: Two-shot set a year after It's the Hormones. A night at the karaoke bar leads to nothing but trouble.
1. Chapter 1

Rachel is sitting on the couch playing with their now one year old son, Ricky, when Kurt bursts through the door. He rushed towards Rachel holding a small stack of papers.

"Santana isn't home yet, right?"

Rachel smiled. "Hello to you too." She turned towards Ricky. "Say 'hello rude uncle Kurt.' "

Ricky just smiled and she turned back over to Kurt. "No. She's out picking up some diapers but she should be back any minute now."

Kurt handed Rachel over the stack of papers. "Good. I want to play a prank on her. That is the script I put together. What I need you to do is when Santana gets home, excuse yourself and go into another room. Then call the house and ask to speak to her and say you're from the lab and you have her test results."

Kurt starts snickering as Rachel reads over the script. She looked at him and rolled her eyes. "This is awful. You know she's been having trouble conceiving and you want to pull something like this?"

Kurt frowned. "Come on! It's funny! You'll have another baby. This is just a little joke."

Rachel smirked at him. "Should I put on an accent too? Then it's harder to tell it's me."

Kurt clapped his hands. "Yes! Do that!" Then they heard a rustling at the door. Kurt moved over to sit next to Rachel. "She's here. Act natural."

Santana entered the apartment and smiled. "Hey" She walked over and kissed Ricky on the forehead and then kissed Rachel. "What's that?" She gestured over to the papers.

Rachel handed her the stack. "Nothing. Kurt wanted me to help play some stupid prank on you."

Kurt stood up throwing his hands in the air. "Rachel?!"

Santana read over the script. "Test results from the lab?" She kept reading and started laughing. "Wow, I would have been devastated." She threw the papers over to Kurt. "Anyway, I promised my little man a bubble bath before we go out tonight."

Santana reached over to pick up Ricky and left to the bathroom.

Kurt looked at Rachel. "Why didn't you do it? Santana is always playing jokes on me. This was my chance to get her back."

Rachel tilted her head. "Just let it go. First, it was mean and second, you're not a prankster. You're a victim."

Kurt frowned. "Whatever. I'm going home to change. Meet you guys at the bar."

Kurt left and Rachel went into the bedroom to get dressed and wait for their babysitter.

* * *

At the karaoke bar Kurt and his boyfriend, James, are watching Rachel and Santana perform "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Jefferson Starship. When they are done everyone applauds and then they take their seats next to James and Kurt.

James smiled widely at them. "You two were amazing!"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Don't stroke their egos. They were okay."

A waitress came by to collect their empty glasses when she stopped and looked at Rachel. "You were so good."

Santana narrowed her eyes as she looked the waitress up and down. Rachel gave the waitress a huge grin. "Thank you so much!"

She smiled back. "You're welcome. I've seen all your shows too. I'm a big fan. My name is Tracy."

Santana leaned back with her arms crossed and continued to stare down Tracy. Rachel just kept on smiling. "Always a pleasure meeting a fan. I can't do what I do without you guys. The fans are the real stars."

Kurt and Santana both rolled their eyes because they know how much Rachel loves giving people that load of crap phrase.

Tracy finished collecting the glasses and placed them on her tray. "I'll bring you another cosmo, on the house." She winked at Rachel and walked away.

Rachel turned to Santana. "She was so nice!"

Santana pursed her lips and nodded.

Kurt grabbed his boyfriends hand. "Come on. Lets show this place what a real duet is."

Kurt dragged James towards the stage as Tracy came back with the drink for Rachel. She left as Santana continued staring her down.

* * *

The next afternoon Santana is at the park with Ricky so Rachel , James and Kurt are hanging out at the apartment. Rachel is on the couch watching tv, Kurt is playing with his phone and James is messing with Rachel's laptop trying to find movie times for tonight.

James sucks his teeth. "There is seriously nothing but crap playing." Then he heard a ding come from the laptop. "Hey Rachel, you have an email."

Rachel looked over to him. "Who's it from?"

"Cutiepie82."

Rachel and Kurt got up off the couch to get closer to the laptop. "I don't recognize that name. Open it up."

James opened the email and began reading. "_I hope this is the right Rachel Lopez. Did you sing at the karaoke bar last night? I'm there almost every night and you were amazing. I just wanted to let you know._"

Rachel smiled. "Ooh, fan mail!"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "How in the hell did you get fan mail?"

Rachel smiled. "I'm already a well-known actress in this city. Getting the pleasure to hear me sing at the bar is like a free show and the people dig it."

Kurt rolled his eyes and then grabbed Rachel's shoulder. "Hey I wonder if it was that waitress. She seemed really impressed by you."

Kurt then made his way into the kitchen to grab a drink.

Rachel nodded. "Hmmm. It could be. Santana swore she was flirting with me but I didn't believe her. Now I wonder."

Then they all heard the laptop ding again. The 3 of them huddled around the computer.

Rachel got excited. "Ooh look I got another email from Cutiepie82."

She opened the email and started reading. "_I have to tell the truth. It's not just that I'm a fan of your singing and acting. I think you're really sexy. Thanks for wearing such a short skirt last night. It really made my day._"

Rachel sat back. "Wow. That's very to the point."

Kurt tapped Rachel's shoulder and smiled. "She closed with a semicolon and parentheses. She's winking at you."

Then Santana came home with Ricky. She looked at everyone confused. "What are you all still doing here? I thought you were going to the movies."

They all looked uncomfortable and Rachel slammed the laptop lid down.

Kurt hurried towards the door holding James' hand. "Yeah we were just on our way."

Rachel grabbed her laptop and rushed towards the door kissing both Ricky and Santana.

Santana looked at her. "Why are you taking your laptop to the movies?"

Rachel looked at her wide-eyed. "Um…so I can write about it in my blog. Duh."

Then Rachel left while Santana looked a little confused.

* * *

A few days later Rachel is sitting in the kitchen with her laptop while Kurt is leaning against the counter.

He rolled his eyes. "Will you put your laptop away already? Maybe CutiePie lost interest."

Rachel kept staring at the screen. "She hasn't emailed in days. I don't get it."

Kurt shrugged. "Maybe she doesn't have the time."

Rachel rolled her eyes and looked at him. "When you're a stalker you make the time." She looked back at the screen. "I just don't get it. One day she's sending me a list of our children's names and the next nothing."

Then there was a ding on the computer and Rachel looked excited. "Back in business!"

She opened her inbox. "Ugh. It's from my dad. 'Ten Best Lesbian Pick-up Lines'…Delete!"

Kurt leaned in closer to her. "Take it easy. What are you getting so worked up about this for?"

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it just made me feel good to know there is someone out there totally obsessed with me."

Kurt shrugged. "Well maybe she needs more inspiration. Think about it. You sang one song at the bar a week ago and haven't been back there since."

Later that night all of them went back to the karaoke bar. Rachel and Santana are on stage singing another duet. Rachel keeps turning towards the audience putting on a sexy smirk, hoping her stalker is out there watching.

* * *

Back at the apartment Ricky is fast asleep. They pay their babysitter and say goodnight to her.

Santana cuddles up next to Rachel. "I had so much fun. I love singing with you, baby."

Rachel kissed her then pulled back. "Me too."

Santana said she was going to take a quick shower and Rachel said she'd come to bed in a minute. When Santana was gone Rachel walked over and opened her laptop to check if she's got any emails.

Rachel looked at her screen. "Still nothing? What even?"

Then Santana came back into the room and Rachel stood up. "Hey babe I was thinking... Instead of taking a quick shower why don't you join me and we can make it a long one?"

Rachel smirked at her. "Now that's got to be the best idea I've heard all-" She was cut off by a ding coming from her laptop. She looked at the screen then back at Santana. "Day! Best idea I've heard all day. Lets lather up!"

Santana tilted her head and moved closer. "Who is CutiePie82?"

* * *

**_tbc_**


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel shifted uncomfortably, looking for something to say. "Uuuuuhhh It's James. Kurt's boyfriend, James."

Santana put her hands on her hips. "The subject is 'your legs looked really sexy tonight.' "

Rachel nodded. "Yeah James is so weird."

Santana leaned back. "Open it up."

Rachel shook her head. "It's okay, I'll talk to him tomorrow."

Santana nodded. "No you should open it up."

Rachel looked down and then sat in the chair. She opened up the email.

Santana leaned in closer. "Oh. Did James scan his panties and send them to you?"

Rachel shook her head. "That is obviously a cry for help."

Santana started getting angry and stood back up straight. "Okay what the hell is going on here, Rachel?"

Rachel shrugged. "Nothing!"

"Who is that?!"

"I don't know!"

Santana rolled her eyes. "You don't know?"

Rachel stood up and got closer to Santana. "I don't know who it is. I never met her. She saw me sing karaoke last week and she's been emailing me ever since. I don't write her back!"

Santana looked shocked. "Is that why you bought me there tonight? So you could sing to her?"

Rachel paused for a second. "…and you! So come on, how about that shower?"

Santana threw her hands up. "Oh my god you are unbelievable!"

Rachel crossed her arms. "I'm not doing anything wrong here."

Santana rolled her eyes. "You're not doing anything wrong? You're having some fling with some cyber slut!"

"It's not some fling. She's the one stalking me! I'm the victim here!"

Santana folded her arms. "Oh you're the victim? Whatever. You're loving this."

Rachel smirked at her. "I get it. We sang a duet but she's stalking me and not you. You're jealous that I have a stalker and you don't!"

Santana looked shocked. "Are you completely insane?! More like I'm upset that my wife has been corresponding with some complete stranger online for a week who just sent her a picture of her underwear! In what universe is this okay? If this situation were reversed you'd have packed up, grabbed Ricky and stormed out of here!"

Rachel looked worried and grabbed Santana's hands. "Please don't start overreacting. She's a harmless fan."

Santana nodded. "Well harmless or not, you and your little karaoke whore are through, okay?"

Rachel shrugged. "What am I supposed to do? If there was some magical way to block her from emailing me I would do it."

Santana walked over towards the laptop and clicked a button. "There. I blocked her emails."

Rachel stared at the computer. "….thank you."

* * *

The next night while Santana was at work James, Kurt and Rachel were at the apartment watching tv.

James looked over at Rachel. "Will you stop checking your inbox? Santana blocked her. It's over."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "You know, I can't have anything anymore. I'm an up and coming stage actress and singer and I'm not allowed to have a stalker… Why do I even get out of bed?"

Kurt turned to her. "Just leave it alone and come watch tv with us."

Rachel looked at him. "I'm not taking this anymore. Kurt, you know about computer crap. Is there any way to undo this block?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah but I don't know. I don't want to make Santana mad at me."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "She doesn't even like you. Just crack the code."

Kurt walked over and hit a button. "There is no code. You just hit 'unblock.' "

Rachel looked back at her screen. "Oh. Well that was far easier than I thought it would be."

Kurt nodded. "I was never here."

Rachel kept looking at her screen. "Come on, CutiePie82. Don't fail me now."

James walked over to Rachel. "I gotta tell ya, I see your clothes all over the street. Santana is going to kill you."

Then a ding is heard from the laptop and Rachel opens her inbox. "It's from her!" She opens the email. "_Dear Rachel, first you block me then you unblock me. No one treats me like that. No one._"

Rachel shifts a little uncomfortably. "Okay so she's a little pissed."

Then there is another ding and Rachel opens up the new email. "_Don't think you can get away from me because I'm watching you._"

Rachel leans back. "Well that one is right out of the crazy handbook, am I right?"

James nodded. "uh yeah."

Just then there is another ding. Rachel reluctantly opens up that email. "_I like your shirt. I'm a Yankees fan too._"

Rachel looks down at the Yankees shirt she's wearing.

James stepped back. "You know what? I think I'm gonna go home."

Kurt got off the couch. "That sounds like a great idea. We have lots of things to do. We should get going."

Rachel got up and chased them as they ran out of the apartment. "No don't leave me!"

They slammed the door shut, leaving Rachel. Rachel slowly turned towards her laptop as she heard three more dings chime. She ran around the apartment closing every open curtain.

* * *

The next morning Rachel is pacing around the apartment shaking. Kurt came in through the door.

Rachel jumped back. "Ever heard of knocking?!"

Kurt looked confused. "What's wrong with you?"

Rachel looked scared. "This came today." She handed him a printout of an email from CutiePie82.

He read it over. "_Hey Rachel. Sorry I've been a little hard on you. You know what would really cheer me up? If you came to the karaoke bar tonight and sang for me. How about I Will Always Love You. Don't let me down._' Well that doesn't sound too bad."

Rachel still looked worried. "Oh yeah? Well this came with it." She showed him another printout of a picture of her at the park with Ricky.

Kurt stared wide-eyed. "Um. I guess you probably shouldn't let her down."

* * *

Later that night Rachel is at the karaoke bar and she notices Santana is on stage singing and flirting with all the patrons. At the end of her song Santana stood in front of the audience.

"Now remember, for any question or comments you can reach me at SbombLo "

She stepped off the stage and Rachel quickly walked up to her. "Santana, what are you doing here? I thought you were at work tonight."

Santana shrugged. "I'm singing."

Rachel blinked at her. "…you're trying to get stalked!"

Santana scoffed. "I am not! And what are you doing here? Come to sing for your little cyber slut stalker?"

"No! My stalker went all fatal attraction on me ever since you blocked her emails! Now she wants me to sing!"

Santana threw her hands up. "Well show her to me. I'll kick her ass."

Rachel started walking towards the stage. "You can't kick her ass. You don't even know what she looks like." Then she turned towards the audience and started belting I Will Always Love You while looking at everyone in the audience trying to figure out who the stalker could be.

At the end of her song she sees the waitress, Tracy, making her way towards her. Rachel jumped off the stage and started running out of the bar.

Tracy started running after her. "Hey wait!"

Rachel ran down the street and leaned back against a wall. Tracy then came up right next to her.

Rachel jumped back. "What do you want from me? I sang you a song. It's over now. Just leave me be."

Tracy looked confused. "Someone just wanted me to give you this message." Tracy handed Rachel over a piece of paper and then walked back to the bar.

Rachel shook as she took a couple steps forward and looked at the paper. She slowly opened it up to read the message. "_Look behind you._"

Rachel froze and then slowly turned around.

Just then Kurt leaned towards her from the shadows. "Hello, Rachel."

Rachel still looked scared. "Kurt?! You're CutiePie82?!"

Kurt nodded. "That's right."

Rachel stared wide-eyed. "So…you're in love with me?"

Kurt shook his head. "What? No! It all started that first night we went to karaoke and you said I was a victim and not a prankster. Well who's the victim now?!"

Rachel looked down. "…me. And in about a minute…" She picked her head back up to look at Kurt, "you."

Kurt started running back towards the bar as Rachel chased him.

* * *

Rachel and Santana walked back into their apartment. They said goodnight to the babysitter and checked on Ricky, who was sleeping.

They walked back into the living room and Santana couldn't stop laughing. "You can't even be mad. You deserved this. Especially after you went behind my back and kept talking to your stalker after I specifically told you it was over."

Rachel smirked. "Well you lied to me and acted like you were ready to leave me when it was obvious you wish you had a stalker too. You gave a room full of strangers your email address."

Santana frowned and leaned into Rachel. "Maybe…But I was still upset you didn't tell your stalker right away that you weren't interested."

Rachel leaned up to give Santana a slow kiss. "I'm sorry."

A ding is heard coming from the laptop. They looked over and saw it was an email for Santana. She opened it up and read the subject.

"_Your singing tonight made me so hot._"

Santana smirked and Rachel looked over at her. "I think you should just delete that."

Santana smiled. "I don't know, Rach. I mean, it's all my fault that she's hot. I should do something about that."

Rachel wrapped her arms around Santana's shoulders and leaned her head on her shoulder. "You should probably block that address too. Or better yet just register for a new email."

Santana laughed and blocked the email. Then she put her hands on Rachel's face and kissed her. "You're so sexy when you're jealous."

Rachel smiled and Santana continued. "I really have to change my email address?"

Rachel smirked. "Oh yes. Yes you do. The only person you're allowed to make hot is me."

They start kissing when they hear Ricky crying in the other room.

Santana groaned. "That little cockblock."

Rachel pulled back and smirked. "What do you say after we put him back to sleep we pull the baby making juice out of the freezer and try making another one?"

Santana smiled and nodded. "I like that idea."

* * *

**The End**

**a/n: to BloodAuthor- It's one of my favorites too! I forgot all about it but then I was watching it last week and thought this would make a great story. It was just tweaked up a bit to fit these characters but the idea was too funny to pass up.  
**


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